H & JOB
The Village Idiot prepared to go into work one Friday morning. Weekend preparations were underway; it would be a rare non-working weekend. Friday night was the Corporation H softball game and the resume was laid out for working on over the weekend. It was time to start hunting for a new job; a new phase in life.
The Village Idiot had accomplished his goal of beefing up the resume. Six years had been spent at Corporation H and during that time the Village Idiot could claim responsibility for turning around the fortunes of a Tier 1 manufacturer from a company that had lost money in 20 of 21 years of existence to now being a profitable entity.
The Village Idiot had almost been ready to start house hunting but then President Nakayama-san suffered a debilitating stroke and the people in Japan decided to bring in the outsider Foolio. Japan didn’t realize that all Foolio was was a brown nosing asshole with destructive decision making. The Village Idiot didn’t need that for a boss. It was time to go.
The Village Idiot arrived at the factory. The 3 person staff of the Ginkerloba of the Universe (SPOTU) and the Suck Pig of the Universe (SPOTU) and Deano (the Doggie Killer) was there. Everyone had to be there by 8 AM and be badged in because that was all that mattered to Foolio was that everyone was there by 8 AM. It didn’t matter if the employee worked until 7 or 9 or 11 the night before or spent the weekend working in the office. It didn’t matter whether people worked or watched porn on their PC’s. The only thing that mattered was the badge time.
Politicians talk all the time about “jobs” and “job creation” and “good paying jobs” and other bullshit about what jobs are. They act like many jobs don’t come with the restriction of having to work for assholes and being stuck in jobs because to move out of the job means taking risks like not having health insurance. The fact is that most people who work jobs are stuck with assholes for bosses because the way the system works the higher up assholes get to hire people to work under them and what is most important in employee selection is how far up their ass the new hire or promoted person is willing to stick their nose up their bosses ass. Like Team America so wonderfully pointed out we are all dicks, pussies or assholes and Foolio was an asshole who shit all over everything. All the people working under assholes get is the promise of a hand job; a hand job that never comes.
Almost as soon as The Village Idiot sat down the call came from the Bitch…the head of HR…that Foolio wanted to see The Village Idiot in his office. That’s what assholes do…send their lackeys to do even the littlest of tasks. So The Village Idiot walked on down and entered the office of President Foolio and heard the most incredible shit he ever heard in his life. It was so incredible that every single word etched like an acid burn etching into memory.
Foolio started his fumbling pack of lies with “Yeah…well…uh…gee…uh Village Idiot…you know better than anyone else…since you are in charge of estimating…well…you know that the overhead rate of the company keeps going up and we need to do something about it…so…I need you to fire SPOTU. I’ve already talked to Wile E. Coyote about it and his department can pick up the work.”
The Village Idiot knew it was all a bunch of bullshit. Asshole Foolio was shitting all over The Village Idiot and everyone else at Corporation H who didn’t work under the plant manager Dr. Evil. They thought they would be so clever in presentation that The Village Idiot wouldn’t immediately see through the veil they thought they were throwing up. Dr. Evil had been telling Foolio that the only reason the overhead level was so high and that certain product lines had moved to Mexico and China and Korea was because the people in accounting were incompetent and that if Foolio gave product estimating to manufacturing then all those jobs would come back to the USA. They really thought The Village Idiot was that much of an idiot that he wouldn’t immediately see through all the crap and see what was really going on.
The obviousness of the situation was even more blatant because SPOTU was a 7 year employee who had worked his way off the floor first into the position of Kaizen trainer until it was decided by management that spending time and money performing continuous Kaizen training really was just wasting everyone’s time. SPOTU became the labor time estimator instead of going back to the factory floor and he actually did a damn good job at it because…having come from the assembly lines…he knew who was sandbagging time and how they were doing it. The factory people knew it too but they liked SPOTU and they knew that all he was doing was calling straight shots. If it weren’t bullshit SPOTU would have been sent back to the assembly lines but that was not the deal.
At that moment in time what could The Village Idiot do? The deal was done. Bitch was down the hall with severance paperwork eager to get it over with. And no matter what The Village Idiot might say or do nothing was going to change what asshole President Foolio had set up.
The Village Idiot’s jaw set and the eyes became huge with internal controlled rage. The words came out with a sound and a fury that scared Foolio. Rare are the occasions when The Village Idiot lets loose with both barrels and it was obvious that Foolio never anticipated hearing “Just what gives you the right to talk to the other department managers here about terminating my staff members before talking to ME about it!”
Foolio blubbered. “Um…well…er…um…well Wile E. Coyote is the only the person I talked to about it” came out of the anal orifice that passed for a mouth. Foolio thought he was going to be so clever and he knew that the sales department and Japan would not be happy over what was going down and he thought he would throw some bullshit out there that would make everyone forget in a couple weeks what happened but there was no way that he would be able to explain the lack of simple courtesy extended towards terminating The Village Idiot’s staff member.
The Village Idiot ignored the blubbering lie. “So this is to lower the overhead rate, huh? Tell me something; just how much will firing SPOTU reduce the overhead of the company?”
Foolio blubbered more. “Well, it won’t make much of a difference but…”
The Village Idiot pounced cutting Foolio off. “IT’S AN ADMINISTRATIVE POSITION! IT WON’T MAKE ONE PENNY OF DIFFERENCE TO THE OVERHEAD OF CORPORATION H! SO TELL ME AGAIN WHY I AM FIRING HIM!
Foolio sat stunned. He felt as if he had been screamed at hearing the words “FUCK YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE!!!” only there was no screaming. He also knew at that point that this conversation would be going to other people and this is what they would hear: The President of Corporation H was gutting the estimating department that had been responsible for turning around the fortunes of Corporation H…and he was lying through his teeth about it.
Politicians talk all day about jobs and good jobs but they never talk about the assholes in management at these jobs who shit on the people that work for them. Instead when mega corporations are run into the ground by asshole management the politicians want to give the corporations money to “save jobs.” The same hypocrisy that The Village Idiot had in front of his face right then and there is played out everywhere globally daily. For all the years of hard work and loyalty the reward wasn’t even a hand job.
Foolio had no Plan B. This college educated scholarship brown-nosing piece of shit who was President of a Tier 1 manufacturer as part of a global chain that can bought on the Nikkei had no fucking clue what to say. He had to make something up. He blubbered “Um, well, other departments are going to be cut soon and we have to start somewhere so we are starting with SPOTU.” He spoke it like Hillary Clinton talking about dodging bullets on a Bosnian runway throwing out 100% bullshit that they are trying to pawn as real.
The Village Idiot retorted “Let me make this clear. I am done working any overtime. I am no longer going to work at night or on weekends. I will enter the door at 8 AM and from noon to 1 I take lunch and at 5 PM I am out the door. And if anyone has an issue about things not getting done one time I am sending them to you.”
Train of Thought
Gassy was the low person on the totem pole working for Wile E Coyote in Manufacturing Engineering. She was a single mother with young Tonya who was a good person but had made a bad marriage choice but…hey…she knew she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed but she worked very hard and had a right to be very proud when she came up with solutions of how to make assembly lines work…or work better. But she couldn’t make anything work better now. She couldn’t make anything work better anymore because next Friday was going to be her last day on the job. She was going to be fired on Friday because that is when it always happens and this had to be it. She knew it.
How did Gassy know it? Because she talked to her friend SPOTU at the softball game on Friday night and SPOTU told her what The Village Idiot told SPOTU which is what Foolio had instructed The Village Idiot to use as an excuse. SPOTU was the first and more were to come. Gassy was low person in her area which meant that next Friday was it.
Gassy spent the whole weekend racked with emotional pain as she looked at her daughter. “How will I pay rent? Will my car be repossessed? Will I have to sell everything I own? How can I afford schooling for my daughter? HOW WILL WE LIVE?”
Wile E Coyote could see the catatonic state Gassy was in. He was concerned because he had never seen the normally joyful and ebullient Gassy in such a state. He knew something was wrong. Wile E. asked Gassy to step into his office and to see what he could do to help. Wile E. was floored with a sense of “Say What??!!” as Gassy broke down in tears about how she was going to be able to live…how she could take care of her daughter…when she got fired on Friday.
Wile E. had to immediately go get answers from Foolio. Wile E. received assurances that there no terminations in his department coming.
As soon as Wile E. walked out of Foolio’s office Foolio called up Bitch. They immediately sent off a letter to SPOTU threatening his severance for going out and bad mouthing Corporation H.
Gassy was not the only person in emotional pain suddenly wondering how they would live. SPOTU received the letter and he decided to respond. He got his shotgun and went down to his man cave and laid down on his sofa with his dog Daisy by his side. He put the shotgun to his mouth and pulled the trigger. SPOTU’s wife came home to find the body.
Suddenly The Village Idiot found himself walking the factory with a hat collecting donations for the widow. That was hardly the end of the stupidity.
“R.I.P. SPOTU (1970-2003)”