The text below is the first revision of the first chapter for The Salvador Dali Cyfer!

DESTINATION UNKNOWN

Piperswife Ample-Alliswell drove her soccer Mom-ish vehicle along Dali Blvd on her way to the Dali Museum. She had never visited the museum before. Hers was destination unknown.

Thursday was coming to a close during her approach. Rush hour traffic across the Sunshine Skyway Bridge had been a drag. Life is so strange she thought. She felt unnaturally annoyed coming to meet her sisters. Why does Pleud want to meet here tonight?

Ahead of her she saw Pfeelmi’s red striped Mustang at the parking lot entrance. Is she haggling over the parking fee? crossed Piperswife’s mind. It would be so like her irresponsible sister to do so. The two black stripes pulled ahead as piloted her Pilot forward to speak with the young heavy-set sleepy-eyed Latina collecting cash. She rolled down the window and grabbed her purse to find the $10 to pay the cost the signage said for parking.

“Are you senora Piperswife?” the attendant asked. Her voice sounded like a character in a Speedy Gonzalez cartoon.

“Um, No!” Piperswife sarcastically replied. Holding up her left hand she told the attendant “Not married; still a senorita…thank you!” My God Piperswife thought as she turned and looked at her face in the rearview mirror. Do I really look THAT old?

“Oh” the attendant said. “In that case the cost of parking is $20.”

Piperswife’s head snapped around. “20$!!??” she incredulously uttered. Her eyes angrily caught the face of the attendant. The attendant was smiling at her with a friendly grin of someone who knew what they were talking about. It was the grin of figure it out girl.

The attendant knew my name and was just talking to my impetuously irresponsible sister. Her phone rang a text arriving from Oops I Did It Again. Piperswife knew without even looking that her sister HAD done it again. Some rapid finger manipulation confirmed it.

“The sign says it is $10 to park” Piperswife calmly told the attendant handing her a Hamilton. A sense of satisfaction filled her watching angry annoyance appear on the attendant’s face. Good she thought Someone else can also be annoyed with Pfeelmi!

The attendant WAS irked. She held up a halt sign hand to Piperswife. She turned her body and looked at the Mustang which had now parked in the nearly empty lot. The attendant pointed a finger at the dark tint angrily motioning the occupant to come over.

The car door opened. The smiling Pfeelmi stood up exiting the vehicle shutting the door behind her. She started hurrying to the Honda as fast as her heels allowed all the while grasping a cellphone in her hand.

Piperswife shook her head in disbelief at what she saw approaching her car. The black hair was in a short, voluminous bob pinned back. A scarlet red turtleneck top barely covering the upper assets creeped upwards with each trotted step. A foot of midriff exposed between the top and the sheer red sarong skirt. Thigh high patent red lace boots with 8 inch heels adorned the legs. The outfit was completed by a candy apple red Little Red Riding cape. The cape became airborne like a superhero cape in flight as Pfeelmi went airborne.

WHUMP!! BAM!!! “WHOOPS!!!”

The minivan was the only thing that stopped Pfeelmi from slamming down into the pavement. Instead of kissing pavement she presented Piperswife with a dry car wash pressed fruit bowl against the passenger door window.

Piperswife reacted with an Oooh. Peering she felt some sense of relief thinking at least she didn’t go commando today. She lowered the window chuckling over the discomfort caused by the glass sliding down against flesh. “What are you doing?” She stressed to her sister.

Pfeelmi smiled wriggling her top back down while speaking. “I didn’t know we have to pay for parking. I thought, like, museums are free, aren’t they? Anyway, I don’t have any cash on me. So, can you help me out here?”

Piperswife sighed at her irresponsible sister. “Are you getting in the car or not?” she asked.

“Me? Get in here?” Pfeelmi replied. She moved her head around looking at the inside on the vehicle. “I wouldn’t want to dare risking the frump to wear off on me!” Her nose twitched smelling the inside broadening her smile. “I mean, I can smell that you haven’t even properly christened your car yet!”

“Oh whatever!” Piperswife dryly answered as pulled another $10 from the wallet in her purse. Her hand flicked at Pfeelmi while she turned and handed the money to the attendant. “Shush! Shush!” she told Pfeelmi shushing her away so she could roll up the passenger window. She took the parking pass the attendant presented her placing it on the dash and then pulling the car forward to park it.

Piperswife exited the vehicle. She clicked the lock sensor two times to make sure it beeped. This reminded the toe-tapping Pfeelmi that she needed to do the same for her car. She fished for a cape pocket pulling out her car keys. Toot Toot!

Piperswife noted the initial lack of door locking as she walked over to join her sister for the walk to the museum entrance. The passed Porsche’s on display outside as well as signs for the Duke Energy Center for the Arts while ambling forward. “You are SO irresponsible!” she admonishingly told her sister. After a Calculon-ish dramatic pause she uttered “And you look like a slatternly harlot! I may have some frump in me but you could use some of it to wear off on you!”

Pfeelmi smilingly replied as they approached the doorway. “When my time comes and all my fun has been said and done then I will know that it is my time to go.” She waited her own dramatic pause before continuing. “Frump! Until then I’ll carry on with what I know!” She smiled at the suit coated male observer stationed outside the door of the museum before continuing. “Besides, I was in the middle of a show when Pleud texted us to urgently meet her here so I just came as fast as I could.” They reached the door which Pfeelmi opened for her sister. “Any idea what is soooooooooo important that we have to meet her here now?”

“No I don’t!” Piperswife emphatically stated. “I tried calling her a couple times but she never picked up.” She thought a second. “A show? What kind of show were you doing?”

Sticking out her arm like she was carrying a picnic basket Pfeelmi said “I was playing Little Red Riding in the Hood on the BBC Channel. I was just getting into it when it was show interrupt-us. I was just at the Gee…Big…Bad…Wolf” she emphasized with cheek swinging “What big….

“Shush!” Pieprswife interjected holding up her halting hand. “I don’t want to know!” They walked to the entrance kiosk counter where a beret topped bohemian dressed art studently looking gal waited to take their entrance fee. Piperswife told her “That may have been a good thing, then, anyway”

Pfeelmi looked at Piperswife’s fuzzy white sweater and baggy jeans and her white croc clogs. She leaned into Piperswife’s ear uttering “Frump.” Pulling her smiling face back to face her sister she bobble-headed continuing “frump frump frump frump frump frump frump frump…”

Piperswife held up her hand to stop the frumping. A “Shush” was added for emphasis. Her hand formed a pointing finger which first pointed to the counter staff and then to the electronic pricing sign stating $25\adult.

“$25!!??” Pfeelmi exclaimed. “What kind of rip-off is THAT!!??”

“Well” Piperswife replied “it’s the rip-off price you have to pay to enter. What on earth would make you think that Dali would be free anyway?” She turned and read the name tag of the money taker: CAROLINA LOBO. “Hello Carolina. Tw…” She started to say two and caught herself as she re-read the display monitor. “How about one general admission and one seventeen year old!?”

Carolina laughed. She pointed at Pfeelmi asking “Does she have ID?”

Piperswife retorted “ID? Look at how she is dressed! Isn’t that ID enough?”

Pfeelmi smilingly latched her arms around Piperswife’s right arm. “Mom is always so protective of me! And she is also very modest too. She qualifies for the senior discount!”

Piperswife disgustedly threw the arms off of her. She uttered a noise of disgust starting “why you…”

Carolina interrupted the PDA. “It’s $25 each right now” she told them.

Piperswife began digging in her purse. “It’s still a ripoff we have to pay that entry price!” she decried.

“BZZZZTTT” Pfeelmi came back with. “You mean it’s the entry price YOU have to pay…and pay two times. I don’t have any cash on hand.” She thought briefly. “Anyway, I’m just used to having guys pay my way anyway thank you.” She looked Piperwife up and down. “You’ll pass for a guy dressed like that anyway.”

Piperswife’s hands went palms up with muscles clenching as she uttered a “GRRR.” She turned to the cashier grumblingly telling her “two adults please” as she started handing cash to the cashier. To Pfeelmi she said “You owe me big time.”

“Don’t carp at me!” Pfeelmi retorted. “I didn’t choose meeting here! Blame Pleud!” She extended her arm and hand to stop Piperswife from paying. “Why don’t we go shopping in the gift shop before paying and going in?” she queried.
“And why would we want to do that?” Piperswife came back with.

Pfeelmi held up her phone which showed the time to be 4:50. She then pointed to the pricing sign bottom which read Thursdays after 5 PM General Admission $12. “Why don’t we wait 10 minutes and pay half price?”

Piperswife glared at Carolina. “Orrrrr…why don’t you just charge us the after 5 rate now since it is almost 5?”

Carolina shrugged. “There’s nothing I can do about it” she informed. “It’s all controlled electronically. Until the cash register clock hits 5:01 it automatically charges the higher rate.”

Pfeelmi grabbed Piperswife’s arm pulling her around the corner behind the service counter. “Let’s go shopping for a few minutes!” she exclaimed leading them to the gift shop area.

Piperswife joined her sister in walking to the gift area. She stopped a second taking in the view. To the right the hallway to the museum beckoned. A five foot digital display stated DALI LIVES stood by the museum access.. Ahead of her on a cube stood a 6 foot tall lighted burning giraffe. The back wall was covered with prints. To her left were rows of merchandise. Beyond that was were 2 counters apart from each other and a large latticed glass window construct.

“Well” Piperswife told Pfeelmi “Don’t expect me to buy you anything. You’ve already tapped into me enough today.”

“Oh, what-EVER!” Pfeelmi hammed. “In case you hadn’t noticed I just saved you $25 by having us wait 10 minutes. That’s the cost of my admission so that pretty much makes us square.” She walked over to the hangars with the Apparatus and Hand T and Sleeveless shirts hanging on them. “These are so cool!” She took a T off the rack to hand model it. “Gotta have it” she announced. The glare from Piperswife said it all. “You know what you’re problem is?” she asked Piperswife. “Your problem can be summed up with one word.”

The practical and practically annoyed Piperswife walked forward and took the shirt hangar from Pfeelmi placing it back on the rack. “Oh, gee,” she dryly sarcastically replied “One word? Gee, I wonder what that word could be?” She walked over to the large Midnight in Paris display filled with more shirts, mugs, postcards, travel bags, candle holders…and really cool black purse with a star and a moon on the face closed with a cloud bank flap. “It can’t be ‘senior citizen’ because that would be two words so I guess that leaves…hmmm…could it be ‘frump’ is what is wrong with me?”

“BZZZZTTT” Pfeelmi came back with. She gleefully watched Piperswife’s eyebrows raise up in anticipatory What now? “Your problem in one word is Cancer.”

“Cancer??!!” Piperswife surprisedly exclaimed. “You think I have cancer?? Like, what kind of cancer?”

“No, no, no, no, no” Pfeelmi laughed. “Silly! I don’t mean that you have cancer I mean that you are a Cancer! And everyone knows that Cancer’s just don’t really…well…don’t really get off sexually. And since you don’t get off sexually you end up like a frump! Whereas I, like Miley Cyrus, am a Sagittarius and that means…well…that means I am certainly not a frump!” She emphasized with “Uh-huh, Uh-huh!”

They turned and walked down an aisle that had crazy butterfly shirts and a section of various knee high socks designed with select Dali imagery. Piperswife turned looking at the tie and scarf collection next to the The only difference between me a madman and myself is that I am not mad Dali quote display more shirts and cups and other liquid holding canisters. “So” she began “What you are saying is that there is something wrong with how I live. Instead of being impetuous and irresponsible I am responsible and I think about what I do and that makes me a frump. I should be running around showing my belly or” one Calculonish dramatic pause later ”OR…maybe” she hurried to the clothing display of Le Girafe en Fou grabbing a pair of the BadAss leggings to model “…maybe I should wear like these…well…whatever they are leggings pulled tight so I can show some camel toe next to the giraffe! That would be something, now wouldn’t! Oh, but, right, I CAN’T do that because I have a Cancerous disease so I am doomed by birth to my fate. Never mind that Arianna Grande and Selena Gomez are Cancer’s; I’m sure that they are just Disney sweetheart’s. They’ve never shown some toe or gone commando. So, since I am doomed, what do you suggest?” She leaned forward into Pfeelmi’s space. “Should I be like a vampire or maybe a succubus and suck out your soul into me? Tell me my dear irresponsible sister…is that what I need to do to become…become what? One of them pansexual things that are the latest fornicative craze nowadays?”

Pfeelmi smiling replied “Nope! Sorry! I don’t think any of that will work. You are just a lost cause. The only pan you are going to be sexual with is a frying pan in a kitchen.”

Piperswife told her “Hmmm…don’t be so sure about that. I’m feeling up for a little S&M right with a frying pan to smack it into your head!” Walking away she turned the corner to discover “Ooh!!! Wine!!! Maybe there some magic in one of these bottles that will help.” She picked up one the crazy looking Dali designed wine bottles. “Or maybe” she continued “Maybe there is nothing wrong with me except that I am a little more selective than you are because I don’t want to end up with any diseases in my body from being an easy tartget!” She smiled to herself thinking I just made up a new word. An easy tart is a tart-get!

Piperswife looked at her sister and then she turned her head to look behind both of them. A tall skinny young looking blonde male with frizzy hair and an angular face was manning the jewelry counter. They watched as the male pounded an energy drink, wolfed down a load of peanut M&M’s from a bag in his pocket, and the proceeded to down another full energy drink. She told her sister “Unlike you I wouldn’t trust that the dorkasaurus back there is either clean or worth the time.”

Pfeelmi replied “That all depends on whether he is truly a dorkasaurus or not!” She stood up on her toes peering backwards. “I…can’t…quite…tell…from this angle.” Turning around she said “Besides, there’s nothing wrong with only loving a man from the waist down!”

“Well” Piperswife cautioned her “If you decide to fall in love with a devil of a man because of what it hanging down below then don’t expect either myself or Pleud to have much sympathy for you. “You don’t have to make that bed and you don’t have to sleep in it!”

Pfeelmi smiled at her sister. Her eyes went beyond her sister. She saw an antique car on the floor. It was an old Rolls. “Oh! I see my next car!” she exclaimed. As fast as she could Pfeelmi started running across the floor towards the vehicle. Her eyes saw seaweed and snails adorning the car. Behind the wheel was SpongeBob’s Shell City Cyclops except this cyclops wore a tuxedo and had a six eye grate instead of a single glass piece. Patrick Star lay on the hood. Thunder and lightning exploded providing enough light for Pfeelmi to see rain and a mermaid in the back seat. A single lightning bolt emanated from the vehicle shocking her as she rain forward. The electrical sensation caused her to miss a step and she tripped falling forward. Pfeelmi thought she was going to crash through the cordon into the side of the vehicle but she managed to right herself skidding to a stop by the grace of her extended right arm regaining her balance. Her fingers lightly tapped against the back door handle.