Hip Pop sat down in a chair put her legs up on an ottoman. Her eyes drooped as she looked at the globe in front of her while she dreamt of warm paradises to visit. She had almost fully transported herself to the beach when suddenly…
A hand clamped down on her shoulder. Another hand spun the globe before strategically stopping it. A finger pointed to as spot on the globe as a loud obnoxious voice uttered “There! Moscow! Did I ever tell you the time saved the trapped children in a cave in Thailand?”
Hip Pop’s half-awake mind blurted out “Moscow to Thailand? That’s a 16 hour flight! How could you possibly have…” Her voice stopped while her brain mentally slapped itself a D’Oh!
“I’m glad you asked” Commodore Muskandoit replied. His hands whipped a pipe out of his coat pocket and immediately the tobacco became stoked. “It was during the time of the World Cup, you know. I was playing forward for the French team.”
“The French team?” Hip Pop queried. “I thought you were South African.”
“My family traces its origins back to Asterix The Gaul” the Commodore replied. “I was actually a spy for the CIA investigating Russian illusions in the USA. Being on the football team gave me cover for trolling the Kremlin. So the CIA told FIFA that I was 1\30th French and therefore they must accept me on the team.”
“Makes sense to me” quipped Hip Pop. “But what about the children?”
The Commodore continued. “I was playing forward in the semi-final game. The score was nil-nil and it looked like the game was headed to extra-time. Sensing the need for a daring play I pulled out my pipe and started smoking up a cloud of Fleur de Semois. The smooth Belgium fragrance stopped the defenders in their tracks affording me a clean breakaway on a pass downfield. That left me and the goalie homme-a-homme and with the crowd roaring the winning score seemed destined to be mine.”
Taking a puff Commodore Muskandoit paused before continuing. “I was poised to pastry the Belgium goalie when my ears heard the screams of children trapped in a cave in Thailand. Knowing of the peril they faced from a potential tsunami I dashed out of the stadium to a chorus of boos as I left the winning goal behind. I went from being the French Degaulle to the French Guillotine. “
The raconteur rolled on. “Knowing that time was of the essence I made my way to my turbo thrustered electric powered Rube Goldberg mobile that the government gave me to use. Soaring with the jet stream I arrived over the Dam Luang Wang Non caves only to have the fuel in my vehicle run out; I had forgotten to recharge it before taking off. Powerless my craft headed down to earth where I was able to crash the car into the cave where the children trapped. Alas, the force of the landing brought down the rocks around us trapping us even further under rock. The situation was hopeless.”
“Good heavens” a rapt Hip Pop exclaimed. “Tell Commodore Onle Muskcandoit: whatever did you do?”
“Do?” Commodore Onle absent-mindedly asked. “Do? Yes, well I pulled out my pipe for a good smoke. When I lit my torch to have a puff the light showed out that by crashing into the cave I had unwittingly struck open veins of Thailand’s natural resources. There was sulfur, coal, potassium nitrate and even a load of some of the largest diamonds ever seen!”
The commodore puffed on his pipe. “While enjoying some Thai stick I put my engineering mind to work. I calculated the proportions of chemicals needed to create explosive gunpowder. We then filled the empty thruster tanks, created a makeshift carburetor for mixing the chemicals, crammed all the children with me in the Goldberg roadster, flicked the ignition and —BOOM! — off we soared into the air.”
The story continued: “I calculated the force of the impulse exactly as planned and the car soared all the way back to Moscow where the final tournament match was being played. I hopped out of the Goldberg mobile in time to run onto the field and score the Golden Goal to win the match thereby regaining my honor.”
“Well Commodore” Hip Pop opined “One could certainly say that your World Cup runneth over!”
“Quite” Commodore Onle Muskandoit replied. “Quite.”
This is the original Commander Muskandoit: