Aaarrgghh and Hip Pop relaxed in lounge chairs at the gender neutral club. They opened up a map of the Caribbean to look at to discuss potential vacation options. Their eyes closed shut as suddenly a familiar four note blare sounded behind them. Their minds merged into one thought: Not her again!
One hand clamped down on a cringing shoulder of each of them. They opened their eyes to the surprise of seeing male hands. The hands belonged to Commander MacDick. “Huh huh, huh huh” a southern male accent laughed. “That’s a map of the Caribbean. Did I ever tell you the time I saved the lives of thirty schoolgirls lost on a school field trip in Haiti?”
Hip Pop turned her head downward looking at her unadorned wrist. “Shoowhee Aaarrgghh” she spoke “Will you look at that? Where has the time gone?” She tried to stand up uttering “I’m sorry Commander but we really must be going…” The hand pushed her back down into the chair.
“It was during my relief mission to Haiti” Commander MacDick started. He removed his hand from Hip Pop’s shoulder and slowly brought it down to his pants pocket while he stared down her top. His hand slid around in his pants while he said “Hold on a second here now. Ah, there it is!” He grinned at Hip Pop. “I knew that pecker was in there somewhere.” He slowly pulled out a cigar bringing it to his mouth. “That’s a lovely blue dress you have on” he told Hip Pop.
Commander MacDick then reached his other hand up into his shirt pocket removing a wooden match. “As I was saying” he said before igniting the match with a fingertip then lighting the cigar puffing furiously away at the Gurkha Grand Reserve Cigar “I was on my way to help out with earthquake relief in Haiti. I was flying solo carrying a plane full of supplies of medicine and food and beverages and games and toys. I was accompanied by a Secret Service plane escort when…suddenly…the winds grew strong and I was covered in clouds and rain and lightning and thunder from a surprise hurricane that arose.”
“A surprise hurricane?” Aaarrgghh asked incredulously.
“Yes” Commander MacDick puffed “Out of nowhere a category four hurricane appeared. I tried staying the course but the wind and rains were too strong and before I knew it I was hopelessly blown off course. To make things worse…BOOM… lightning struck the plane and my communications shorted out. There was no way to know where I was going and no way to call for help. The situation looked hopeless when…suddenly…there was a break in the crowds. I had flown clear to the edge of the storm.”
“But what about the girls in Haiti?” Hip Pop inquired.
Commander MacDick continued. “I gathered my bearings based upon where the sun was in the sky over the water below and I was all set to complete my mission when suddenly…*Sputter Sputter*…my engines died. I had run out of fuel. The lightning strike had cut a hole in the fuel tanks and I had been so busy flying through Hurricane Jeffrey that I hadn’t noticed the fuel gauges dropping down. The situation looked dire.”
“Good heavens Commander!” Aaarrgghh and Hip Pop exclaimed in stereo. “Whatever did you do?”
“There was only one thing that could be done” Commander MacDick explained. “I had to quickly try and find a place to land the airplane. My eagle eyes scanned the horizon noticing a small island ahead. Using all my skills as an aviator I managed to keep the plane in the air before coming to a crashing halt on the island. The contents of the plane were intact but the wheels of the plane sheared of during the landing rendering the plane unserviceable as anything but a shelter with first class bedding.”
“But what about the earthquake victims?” Aaarrgghh asked.
“Yes, well” Commander MacDick continued “It so happened that this island was the home to the Island Virgin Temple of the Virgin Islands and that the plane had crashed at the doorstep of the Temple. Exiting the plane I went inside the Temple to find a bevy of French and Greek teenage girls trapped on the island. They had arrived as part of a tour but their guide accidentally hanged himself leaving them defenseless against the perils of the island.”
“And then you made a big bonfire for passing planes to see and rescue you?” Hip Pop wondered.
“I certainly did NOT!” Commander MacDick insisted. “That would pollute the environment and cause global warming!” He puffed on his cigar. “No, I was sure that someday a rescue plane would find me so we made good use of the time we had eating the caviar and other delights my plane had. There was also plenty of alcohol on the plane for me to have, and the opiate medicines were pretty good too. That left plenty of time of time play games of Twister while also playing with the toys on the plane until the rescuers came to Nobitoff Island.”
“But what about the Haitians?” Aaarrgghh and Hip Pop wondered simultaneously.
“I’m quite certain the Haitians were taken care” Commander MacDick said pausing in momentary nanosecond thought to think about the plight of the Haitians. “Quite.”
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