Note: This month’s story is a first draft set-up of the first story in the Saga of Captain Names Z. Smirk.
A NIBBLE OF TSINGTAOPATHOGEN CATACLYSM
Captain’s bole…Celebrity date II0II0.0001
“The Fleetship Alamo has been dispatched to IOCCOMM VII to establish diplomatic relations. This, of course, means engaging in athletic competitions. Accompanying us on this perilous journey is Ambassador Anthony Woodrat.
Although we have received warnings to stay away from the planet I am leading a landing party intent on meeting with planetary leader Akon 7. Accompanying me in the landing party are my First Officer Glock, my chief medical officer Dr. Leroy Ossein, and Yeogirls T-Barr Wows, Tempura and Janis Grand.”
My landing party materialized in a courtyard outside building that was the command center for the entire planet. We looked around to make sure that everyone had materialized properly before proceeding forward for we always landed face forward towards our destination. Everyone looked fine. Especially the Yeogirls.
The building that stood in front of us was our destination. It was a large four story building with lots and lots of white framing that snaked around sectioning off each room into an equidistant section. It looked like the body of a continuously moving white millipede.
We walked past the smoke ring display created by five different colored beings blowing smoke out of giant pipes that looked like alphorns. Blowing the rings were a blue skinned Andorkian, a yellow-orange skinned Tamoonian thrall, a black skinned Viagranian, a green skinned Onionian and a red skinned Doomdian. The rings they blew became interlocking smoke rings creating a five ring logo that continuously changed shape. It was the Intergalactic Prism Coalition of Love.
A blonde female wearing a dress seemingly made of stained glass came out to meet us. Her dress draped over one shoulder revealing a lovely shoulder blade. Her hair was full and curled up so full of waves that the part could be moved to either side or the other and not even a Westminster canine judge would notice that the part had moved. Her eyes were clear with innocence; the kind of innocence that says “take me now you big hunk of Captain you for I have never been with a man let alone a Captain before.” It was planet Kublakhanfranollie all over again.
She approached the party her dress tinkling with each step. “I am Mewill68” she said.
“I am Captain Names Z. Smirk” I replied. I motioned at the landing party saying “This is my First Officer Glock, my chief medical officer Dr. Leroy Ossein, and Yeogirls T-Barr Wows, Tempura and Janis Grand. We would like to speak Ambassador Akon 7.”
“Come with me, Captain” she said. She turned and walked towards the building signaling the IOCCOMM sentries to let us enter. Her walk was smooth, real smooth. It was the kind of walk that can turn a phaser from stun to kill. She turned and gave me a look that made my communicator pop open.
She led us to a magnificent room. There was nothing inside the room except three fold up card tables in the center of the room behind which sat five male looking beings wearing black ninja wear with large colored beauty pageant sashes. Not wanting to be offensive I naturally greeted in a non-judgmental manner. “Greetings Ambassador Akon7 and other beings potentially one of the sexual species designations set down in the Interplanetary Common and Uncommon Binary and Non-Binary Codex. I am Captain Names Z. Smirk of the Fleetship Alamo. We have come in” dramatic pause “peace. We wish to join in the Palatinic Games to establish relations between IOCCOMM and the IPA…the Interplanetary Amalgamation.”
“Ahhh, Yo” Akon 7 replied. He looked like a mean slimy sort; the kind of slime that slimy slimes slime all over the place. He had Chinese eyes and a Chinese accent. His hair was a box Frankenstein natural. His skin was red like a Potelevisionian. He looked like my kind of guy.
“Captain” Akon 7 stated “Your ship was warned to stay away. Now I am afraid that I have some terrible news to tell you. Both you and your ship have become infested with the Tsingtaopathogen and you all must be quarantined until further notice.”
I looked at my medical officer. “Dermas?” I asked questioningly.
Dr. Ossein pulled out his Triscanner. He waved the Triscanner up and down in the air looking at the readout. “Man” he said “This jive turkey be talkin’ some excretion. Dere ain’t nuttin’ wrong wi us” he told me.”
“I am afraid your doctor is wrong” Akon 7 said. He pointed a remote control at a wall and the wall spilt apart revealing a room with an intergalactic map of the region along one wall and a Starhucks bistro at the other end. The map had circles with areas in red outlined. “When your ship entered this area you all became infected with the Tsingtaopathogen. I am afraid you are all doomed to die a horrible death.”
“Captain” First Mate Glock butted in with. “It appears that there is no actually disease but rather a computerized simulation of a disease. Logic dictates that if I shoot the computer with a glock thereby destroying the computer then the Tsingtaopathogen will vanish.”
I was just about to inform Glock to proceed with the safety on when we were interrupted by a voice saying “Akon 7 this is outrageous!” I looked over and saw a brute. His forehead looked like a hunk of play-doh had been put on it and the play-doh had been made into a ridged mountainous center tapering down to valleys. The top of the ridge looked like it was snow covered.
Hia hair started where the ridge ended circling around like the hair of an Afghan poodle moth. His teeth were pointy like the teeth of a wolf fish. He wore a silver air filled vest over a pink leather biker’s top. His pants were pink leather going down into silver knee high moon boots. Over the shoulder draped a dainty pink and silver purse with a price tag hanging from it. One could only imagine the weapons hidden inside that clothing.
“What is wrong Commander Blorf” Akon 7 asked. “What does the Klinger delegation object to now?”
“The Klinger’s cannot accept losing the Gecko-Grecian Wrestling gold medal!” Blorf answered. “Our honor is at stake here.”
“Ahhh, Yo” Akon 7 replied. “Well, the computer has spoken and when the computer speaks the computer has spoken. There was an upset in the semi-finals by the Fungeri’s. Your entrant was disqualified for biting the Fungeri’s ear and that ended up meaning a bronze for the Klinger’s.”
“Wait a minute” I interjected. “You mean the games have already started?”
“Oh no, Captain Smirk” Akon 7 answered. “The games are already over. Because everyone is quarantined the games were played entirely by our computer simulation of events. It is much more civilized any way than your barbaric methods of actual competition. The only thing left is to see who wins the award for having the most sex with the most different alien women over the next two weeks.”
Captain’s bole…Supplemental
It appears that we are now quarantined on a planet with all sorts of intergalactic space babes in a race to win the gold medal for the Amalgamation. Let the Games begin!