The Painless screenplay is available for the asking!
The Press Conference
Arrgh U. Ment and Hip Pop Crissy were enjoying their chalice. “Arrgh” Arrgh cried “It’s another press conference by Senator Smarmy!”
“Now don’t get upset” Hip told him. “If the politico’s didn’t give us press conferences how would we know what is going on in DC?”
“Arrgh” retorted. “You think that what they tell us at the press conferences is what is really happening anyway? It’s just a T&A show; a bait and switch show! Heck Glee has better scripting than what these clowns say! And better T&A!”
“That’s not what der weinerschnitzel thought” Hip noted. “He’s so special he wanted the whole world to see what was in the bun.”
Inside the TV the brief remarks on the new gun control legislation had already been made. The Senator stated how hundreds of thousands of lives would be saved every year by this new piece of legislation. The press core attempted to ask questions yelling “Senator” over each other.
“Smilfme here” the Senator said leaning forward pointing to one reporter. The presserazzi in the room voraciously snapped photos of her pearl necklace.
“Senator, is it true that babies will be saved with this legislation?” the reporter from United Plant International asked. “And Seniors too?”
Hip Pop Crissy threw her pillow at the boob tube. “Here we go again. Trot out the darling little white baby to sell legislation. It’s the ol’ ‘this legislation will save a gazillion people and here is the cute white girl to prove it.’ Meanwhile, 1,000,000 babies are aborted each year in the US. It’s not OK to legally own weapons but you can kill an infant no problem! No hypocrisy there!”
“Senator?” came a question from the corner of the room. “Senator, just one more question please?”
“Make it a quickie!” Senator Smilfme Smarmy sparkled getting a laugh from the crowd. The reporters busily scribbled down notes while nodding their heads and formulating bylines such as Senator Smarmy Saves Hundreds of Thousands of Babies.
“Senator” the impudent reporter asked. “isn’t it true that the Administration promised not to raise taxes on people making less than $250,000 a year and yet the legal argument in court behind the health care legislation that affects everyone is that the legislation is a tax affecting everyone so that is in fact a tax increase?”
Senator Smarmy felt fury. How dare such a question impugn her!
Smilfme smiled. Acting for the cameras is always more important than anything else. “Boys” she said stepping out from behind the podium. “Let me show you what I think.”
The Senator stepped away from the where the question had been asked. Aidone directed large bodies towards where the question had come from.
“Let’s lower the lights in here” Smilfme said. “And let’s have a little music.” Suddenly the lights dimmed and the techno beat of Girlie Gogo’s Good Sex kicked in. Smilfme worked a big microphone while singing:
“Blah Blah….Blah Blah Bla-ah. Blah Blah… Blah Blah Bla-ah. Gogo Girlie gogo. Want your good sex! You know that you want me. You know that you need me. You want my good sex.”
While the Senator sang she showed some dancing with the microphone for the presserazzi. Cameras flashed. Smilfme’s spectacular sequins sent tingling up the legs of the reporters.
Behind the show the crew went to work. The reporter who dared ask a question of substance disappeared out a back door. The slave with the mop bucket entered to clean up the blood.
“Arrgh” Arrgh cried. “That made no sense at all!”
“Insatiable Congressionals aren’t supposed to make sense” Hip said. “Nowadays they are just supposed to let it all hang out for the cameras. Besides, presserazzi only care about what or who is hot and spicy today. Remember Charlie Winning? I didn’t think so. Tomorrow when you feel that spicy burn from what they did today no one will care because there is a new today and a new hot and spicy. Senator Smilfme Smarmy is here to stay.”
The Fairly Taxed Plan
Arrgh U. Ment and Hip Hop Crissy lay in bed boob tubing and surfing. “The necessary evil” Arrgh stated as Hip Pop grazed the plasma waves. “All the blather about the debt crisis without accomplishing anything in the end.”
“That’s not 100% true” Hip Pop said. “It lines up to give a bunch of people something in their end.’
Arrgh laughed. “Yeah, well, The Big O has no one to blame but himself. He ran on a platform of Transparency and Change. Then he says he can’t propose a plan because the plan would be twisted like so many papers in the wind.”
“Not a lot of transparency or change there” Hip Pop agreed. “The only obvious thing about this Administration is that every time they sell one thing the exact opposite is true. This just points out that the Administration has no transparent plan for America other than re-election. It’s the CREEP of 1970 reborn again!” She noticed Arrgh typing away. “Whatcha doin’?”
“Oh” Arrgh said “I’m Comment chatting with one of the Fair Tax Act trolls. It is quite humorous to do.”
“Did you read the legislation?” Hip Pop asked.
Arrgh laughed. ‘Yeah, I gotta give them credit there. At least with these folks one can read their manifesto. Their plan may not work but it is at least 1 billion % more quantifiable than Mr. Transparency’s secret plan.”
“So what is this Not Secret plan?” Hip Pop asked.
“It’s a plan where the IRS is scrapped and the tax code is scrapped for a new tax code based upon a national sales tax” Arrgh answered. “There’s a national discount for annual standard living expenses but the belief is that this will cure America’s tax inequities and spending quandary.”
“So what don’t you like?” Hip Pop asked.
“I asked them what their implementation plan is” Arrgh answered.
“And?” Hip Pop queried.
“They said none. Cold Turkey.” Arrgh told her. “So if the bill is passed in July or October of year A then the actions become law and implemented January 1 of year B.”
Hip Pop wrinkled her nose. “That’s a hell of a quote unquote implementation plan! Am I to understand that the Fair Tax people…some of whom undoubtedly belong to the cadre of people who dislike 1\6 on the national economy being redone over a period of years via the Health Care Bill monstrosities that no one ever read…want to redo 100% of the tax structure of the Federal Government of the United States with the flick of a switch?”
“Yep” Arrgh said. “To collect a national sales tax somehow every cash register system in the USA will be reprogrammed within whatever time frame is allocated to go cold turkey. Also, all accounting systems required will automatically be in place somehow. So will all government funding systems and the way the Fed looks at economic data. It will be magic!”
“Ah yes” Hip Pop told him. “I remember this. These are the same people who would disband the IRS immediately. It makes one wonder what will happen to all tax lawsuits that exist or past tax cheats that may be found out about. If there is no IRS left over…not even a shell of an organization…how are the past, present and future cases of tax fraud to be prosecuted? If someone cheats on their duties of tax collection how does a legal case proceed?”
“Why don’t we start a company and collect taxes and not remit the money?” Arrgh argued. “With no prosecution vehicle worked out for fraud we could get away with it until something is addressed.”
“What happens if it turns out the sales tax doesn’t bring in enough revenue to fund the Federal government?” Hip Pop asked. “I mean, theoretically the total sales tax revenue will cover everything but what if it doesn’t?”
‘Oh, like the Hunt brothers in the 1970’s when they thought sure they could corner the silver market?” Arrgh answered. “The unknown unknown of more silver coming into the market than the Hunt family realized could possibly happen flooded the market with silver and they were left losing a fortune. Of course an unknown unknown could really screw up a 100% certain unproven economic plan ushered in cold turkey!”
“So then they would either have to raise the sales tax or spend less” Hip Pop Crissy thought out. “Hmm, gee, I wonder which way Washington DC will go!” Her attention was caught by some skin on the TV. “Oh great! Here goes Senator Smarmy taking to the press again.”
Senator Smarmy stepped to the microphone. “Smilfme here” she said. “And I am here to tell you that forty million citizens on food stamps is not enough! My state is suffering through the worst economic crisis ever! These people need help, and the evil wealthy are just not doing their fair share to help the poor. That’s why I am all for balancing revenues to save lives. Every day my office is filled with images and stories of innocent babies dying because they have no food…”
Arrgh zapped off the TV. “I can only take so much of this” he told Crissy. “No matter which side I hear they all sound like Darwin Award candidates to me!”
“So what do you propose Congress do?” Hip Pop asked Arrgh. “Implement a plan with Common Sense behind it?”
Arrgh smiled. “We’ll just have to wait and see!”
Arrgh and Hip Pop return in Paying My Rent costs me a Flat Tax!
Democracy at Work
Aidone held the door open for Senator Smarmy to enter the conference Room. Inside the room the Senator saw seated Secretary Clittoff, Attorney General Holster as well as ATF chief Mellonhead. Aidone did not follow the Senator into the room; this meeting was “off the record.”
“Smilfme here” the Senator said as she sat herself. Her Smilfme mind hypothesized how this meeting was akin to a “ménage a quad.” All four came together to share an experience
Secretary Clittoff spoke. “Thank you all for being here today. As we all know, we have been given a mandate by our donors to get guns off the street. Specifically, assault rifles need to be banned. We need to put a plan in place to make sure that our benefactors wishes are adhered to. This is especially true since we now hold power.”
The Secretary continued. “To this end our esteemed Attorney General Holster here and myself, in conjunction with the White House, have come up with a plan that we think will meet the needs of the public. The plan is to use the drug war violence in Mexico to our benefit. What we will do is claim that the problem of violence in Mexico is getting worse due to the flow weapons from the United States to Mexico. The solution to the problem will be the passage of more restrictive gun laws in the USA banning all assault weapons.”
Senator Smarmy spoke. “That sounds like a plan but right now it’ll never pass the NRA lobby in DC. There needs to be some form of outrage in the USA that we can use the media to promote to overcome the expected opposition.”
The Secretary’s plot thickened. “To foment the outrage we will construct a scenario that will generate the spark of outrage. We need to first establish that weapons from the US are flowing into Mexico. Once the discovery of the weapons is made public then, Senator, we need you to sponsor the Senate version of the assault weapon ban bill.”
“I have no problem sponsoring such a bill” Senator Smarmy replied. “You provide the wording as well as the outrage for the legislation and it’ll be a done deal. Assuming of course, I get something in return.”
“That’s why we are here” Secretary Clittoff answered. “What do you want for your cooperation?”
Senator Smarmy answered “Well, I assume that our new AG and ATF head have received their positions for their cooperation. What is the Administration proposing for my support?”
Secretary Clittoff offered “The view of the Administration is that the items being built into Health Care Reform and Stimulus for your benefit should suffice. The view in Washington is that nothing more is needed for your support.”
Senator Smarmy gave Secretary Clittoff a Smarmy look. Secretary Clittoff gave a surprised “What?” in reply.
“I’m a Senator!” Smilfme Smarmy retorted. “Not a cheap Representative! You know that! The big dog knows that! They should know by now that I don’t put out for free. I always take it in trade! Besides, I’m doing your department a favor entertaining the Italian Prime Minister Sylphme Oh! Bustanutti! That event costs a lot of cash, especially with his tastes!”
Clittoff leaned back in her chair. “Soooo…whaddaya want?” The Secretary asked. “What can I tell them?”
Senator Smarmy looked at the AG and the ATF chief and then to the Secretary. “I don’t think this is the proper forum for that discussion. Obviously campaign funds always help. Tell you what. Why don’t you send your aide Oooolalavavavhuma La PumaTown by my office and I’ll see what I can come up with. In the meantime, let’s hear the plan.”
ATF chief Mellonhead spoke. “The plan is quite simple. The idea is to let the Mexican drug cartels buy weapons from gun dealers in the US. Then, when the weapons are found at the sites of gang battles in Mexico, we will claim that the flow of weapons from the US into Mexico must stop. You sponsor the bill in the Senate.”
Senator Smarmy thought a minute before speaking. “And that’s it? She asked. “It’s that simple?”
Attorney General Holster replied. “That’s it. It’s really that simple.”
Senator Smarmy looked at each participant in the room. “Tell me something” she asked “How many weapons do you think you will “let” cartels buy? And what kind of weapons are you talking about?”
“Well, high powered assault weapons are what we need them to buy” Holster answered. “The bill will be to ban sales of them in the US. I mean, handguns won’t cut it. As for how many, well, I guess it depends on what the cartels can afford.”
The senator looked at him with a dumbfounded look. “So, that’s how the operation will work?” she asked.
“Oh, no no no” Mellonhead interjected. “The public scheme is that ATF is using the sales to trace the weapons back to the drug cartels. When background checks are asked for I’ll direct my staff to ignore the checks. We actually already know who the gun mules are and who they will deliver to so it’s like no risk that the guns will be used in the US. They’ll be going south of the border.”
“I’ll be making a speech later today” Secretary Clittoff offered. “The subject will be about the volume of weapons flowing illegally from the US to Mexico. This’ll start laying the groundwork for the operation.”
“And when the body count starts going up?” Senator Smarmy asked. “How do the dead bodies get explained?”
“Hey” Mellonhead answered. “The more dead the merrier. It’s just a bunch of drug running Mexicans who will get shot. I mean, ya gotta break some eggs to make an omelet. By the time anyone figures out what really happened it’ll be too late. The new laws will be in place and no one will care. All the media will report is that a bunch of drug lords and maybe some innocent bystanders…maybe a little girl…that ALWAYS works…were found dead by smuggled weapons from the US.”
Senator Smarmy whistled. “Wow” she said. “It’ll be like a modern version of Operation Wetback. Only this time instead of repatriating illegal immigrants they’ll just be killing each other before they get to the US.”
Senator Smilfme Smarmy thought a couple minutes before abruptly standing up. “I was never here, and this conversation never took place. I know nothing.” She turned and walked to the door before turning her head towards Secretary Clittoff. “Send Oooolalavavavhuma by my office and we will make something happen.” With that Senator Smarmy left.
Senator Smarmy visits PumaTown!
Senator Smarmy lay back in her cool leather chair. She was busily monitoring the internet. The buzzing in the room finally cleared through the buzzing in the room. Darn! she thought. I almost achieved something today! The Senator smiled. Well, the affairs of state ALWAYS take precedent over the affairs of State!
The Senator set down her BrownBerry. Her BlewTooth activated. “Smilfme here!” she dreamily aired.
Adoring Aidone had buzzed in. “Senator” Aidone informed her “Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown is here to meet with you.”
PumaTown Smilfme thought. AS IF! She straightened her skirt and fixed the face saying “Me” on her monitor. Her lipstick and makeup were refreshed. Teacher glasses were put on for effect. Instead of Barbie music a different tune ran through her Smilfme mind:
Ooola Humma Pumame doo
I've got a lunch suggestion for you
Ooola Humma PumaTown dee
If you are wise you’ll eat out with me
Why should you shame when your weiner’s a brat
Worst that soiled your Siamese cat?
Blaming Bart Simpson lying’s the game
You know exactly who Clittoff’s say blame:
The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy!
Ooola Humma diddlemee yah
Love to despoil; we will go far
You can achieve happiness too
I will Ooola Humma Pumame doo
Cleanup in aisle # 1 completed Senator Smarmy thought. She called Aidone. “You can send in undersecretary PumaTown now” the Senator stated to Aidone. “And cancel my afternoon appointments?”
“Senator?” came Aidone’s querying reply. “What shall I tell the people at the Special Olympics medal winner’s ceremony you are scheduled to attend as well as the Senate Financial Crisis Real Estate Impact Committee are the reasons you won’t be visiting them?”
“Tell the Special Olympic winners that I am sorry but that I am tied up in Fannie business” Senator Smarmy replied. “In fact, you can go say hello to them. They are Special Olympic kids; they won’t know the difference. Feel free to tell them that you are me!” Senator Smarmy said. “For the Senate Commission people tell them that I am having lunch with an expert on how the Fannie problem and that I will be getting a hold of them later. They know me well enough to understand.” The Senator thought further. “Oh, but leave the late lunch with the Boy Scout open! I’ll do that one!
Adoring Aidone privately gushed with admiration for Senator Smarmy. The Senator is sooooooo magnificent!! Aidone dreamed. I wish I made big decisions like she does!
Aidone dutifully replied “Yes, Senator!” She turned to tell PumaTown to enter the Senator’s chamber’s but the Senator buzzed back. “Aidone” the Senator said “My liquor cabinet is running low again. There are only a few unopened bottles of booze left.”
Aidone dutifully replied “Remember you had me send most of what was left unopened to your house for your upcoming weekend party Italian Prime Minister Sylphme Oh! Bustanutti? And remember I also scheduled a gambling junket to Macao so that your bar would be refilled with flight leftovers?”
The Senator relooked over the booze supply in her walnut veneered lateral cabinet. What would work for today? She wondered. Whiskey is out; we don’t want any hair on that chest. Same with Tequila; it’s PumaTown and not Tila visiting. It’s too early in the afternoon for rum; not really the right situation for wine. That leaves something like sherry or vodka or gin she thought.
The Diva Vodka will do! She thought. The vodka may be so-so but I need to get at the diamonds to figure out sooner or later if they are real! The bottle entered the Senator’s hand to be taken to for pouring.
The Senator spoke to Aidone while pouring a little drink in some crystal glasses. “Oh my goodness” she said “How could I forget my meeting with Sylphme Oh! this weekend. That should be an outrageous party!”
The glasses sparkled prisms as the vodka entered shining colors all around the etched in SSS that ran deep into the crevasses of the crystal. Smilfme smiled thinking about the cost of having each glass handcrafted. Every time she broke sets of her namesake new sets mysteriously appeared. It’s good to be a US Senator on the US taxpayer payroll! the Senator thought.
Senator Smarmy spoke while carrying the glasses across the office to her special cabinet. “Aidone, I don’t know what I would do without you! And what about my selection of uppers and downers? I mean, wait, let me remember. I need to remember how to properly say that for the cameras. What is the PC terminology?”
The Senator’s brain focused on the various shaped pill boxes arranged on and in shelves in her antique Victorian art nouveau étagère. The glowing oak furniture showcased manufacturing of big beveled glass mirrors framed by curved side extensions. On top ran a decorative carved chip gallery of two green holly berry branches one each starting on the ends curving to the middle with berries so naturally red that visitors swore they berries were real. The desk area was another immaculate glass piece with Senator Smilfme Smarmy inscribed across it.
Smilfme here! The Senator smilingly thought running her fingers across the glass. They’ve become very good at replacing the glass!
Her hands opened the various cabinet doors with matching carved fronts. Inside a couple drawers were gifts from her supporters. The toys were like a Foster Brooks Lovable Lush collection. The devices all contained compartments for stashing goods to be used at convenient moments. Memories filled the smiling Smilfme mind.
One large drawer contained container after container of prescription drugs. Smilfme looked at the expiration dates. “OK, here we go” Senator Smarmy told Aidone. “What about my selection of government approved and golden health care plan paid for medications? The expiration dates of my prescription medical necessity bodily system boosters and certifiably needed relaxants and hallucinogenics are all approaching out of date.”
“I have a whole new cabinet full of medications on order” Aidone replied. “Also, the pharmaceutical PACs are all lined up to come in before the Macao junket.”
Senator Smarmy smiled. “You have done well again, Aidone! Make sure you get these bottles relabeled and to buy yourself something nice with the proceeds. I’ll also let you have the diamonds in the Diva vodka bottle” the Senator informed her staff member. Senator Smarmy knew it was good business to do favors. “You just go right ahead and finish it” she informed her” “You’ve earned it.”
The Senator opened a small drawer removing from it a Cartier adorned gold ingot. Her body gave an involuntary shudder as she caressed the metal bar. The Senator liked the sensation of cold gold on her finger tip while seeing the diamonds sparkle. Her fingers slid along the shaft sliding open the trick release secret compartment. Her stash of small non-prescription pills was inside. The Senator came even more excited thinking about the samples left when she received the pills.
The Senator removed a couple of pills resealing the secret compartment. She then crushed up the pills in her hand sprinkling some into one drink and then the other. What’s good for the gander… she thought.
The gold was returned to the drawer. A vial of liquid oil was removed. Senator Smarmy stashed the vial in her person and closed the drawer.
Smilfme left the mixed cocktails on her inscribed glass shelf. She wriggled her way back to her desk. “OK” she informed Aidone “I’m ready to meet with Deputy Staff Chief PumaTown now.”
The door opened and Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown entered the Senator’s lair of scintillating web weaving. “Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown” Senator Smarmy said welcoming her into the room with a firm crushing hug. ”I’m so glad to see you!” Smilfme laughed. “Oooolalavavavhumm a la PumaTown; I love how your name just rolls off of my tongue! Don’t you feel so lucky to have been born into PumaTown?”
Oooolalavavavhumma returned the Senator’s warm embrace. “Ohh Senator! Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. It’s good to know that the little people in the world always have a friend in you!”
Senator Smarmy grasped her arms firmly and moved her smiling face close to PumaTown’s face. She beamed broadly into Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown’s eyes saying “My dear Oooolala…is it ok if I call you Oooolala?” Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown nodded her head yes. “Oh, Oooolala! What are friends for? There is nothing so important on my schedule today that I can’t meet with you and try and be of some service. Especially for one who works for Secretary Clittoff! That makes you so important!”
The Senator led Oooolalavavavhumma to an ornately carved cherry chair in front of her cherry desk. She sat Oooolalavavavhumma into the chair and then the Senator posed herself on her desk. She leaned over to Oooolalavavavhumma clasping and softly massaging her hands. “Now, Oooolala, tell me. What is that matter? How can I help you?”
Oooolalavavavhumma tearfully looked at Senator Smarmy. “Oh, it’s just all the things in the news” she said. “I’ve got such a big problem! I need some help and support to take care of it!”
Senator Smarmy sighingly said “Oh Oooolalavavavhumma I don’t know that your problem is really that big after all!” Smilfme hugged PumaTown imploring her “Now you just be a good girl and dry your eyes!”
Oooolalavavavhumma felt so warm and safe in Smilfme’s embrace. At the Senator’s urging she took a deep breath and regained her composure.
Senator Smarmy gently rocked PumaTown telling her “What I mean is that how big the problem is all depends on what angle you are looking at it from!” The Senator put her hands on PumaTown looking into her eyes with a professorial manner. “Sometimes when you are on top the smallest problem can feel so big! It feels so big you can’t think about anything else! But then a crack appears and the floodgates let loose and that big big big big big big problem just all of a sudden seems sooooooooo small like it just washed away” the Senator counseled. Her head lightly shook from side to side looking into PumaTown’s eyes as she talked about Oooolalavavavhumma’s big problem. The Senator tapped a finger on PumaTown’s nose to accent her use of the word big.
“But now it is out everywhere for everyone to see!” Oooolalavavavhumma cried. “Anyone can see what is in me. Oh, the taste in my mouth from this salty affair is bitter!”
Senator Smarmy could see that Oooolalavavavhumma need a hug. She bent down to her fellow female in need hugging her some more. “There, there” Senator Smarmy said. Her nails softly moved through the brunette hair while her thumbs dabbed at the tears flowing from Oooolalavavavhumma’s big brown eyes. “Oh dear,” the Senator told her “You have been under a lot of stress now haven’t you?”
The Senator stood up pulling Oooolalavavavhumma up with her. “Come with me” The Senator said. She walked Oooolalavavavhumma over to the opulent cypress sofa covered with the finest white fabric. The sofa sat positioned in front of an ornately carved Chinese teak table in front of a gargantuan 4D TV hanging on the wall in the room. Senator Smarmy felt torn between the acts of emoting sympathy to Oooolalavavavhumma compared to smiling from the beautiful new sofa in her office. Each time I stain the fabric I swear the new sofa is whiter and whiter every time! She thought.
“Here” Smilfme said “let me arrange the pillows for you and you just lay yourself out on the couch and I’ll see what I can do to ease your mind.” Her arms arranged furnishing for comfort as she helped Oooolalavavavhumma stretch out in comfort.
“Oh Senator Smarmy” Oooolalavavavhumma started saying. “We need…I need all the support I can get right now to get through…”
“Shhh Shhh Shhh” Senator Smarmy said. “Call me Smilfme” she said tapping a finger softly on Oooolalavavavhumma’s large whiffer. “There is no reason to be so formal!”
“Well, Smilfme, I…” Oooolalavavavhumma started speaking. She was cut off by a finger sliding from the nose to the lips.
“Shhh Shhh Shhh” Senator Smarmy said. “You just need to relax at the moment. I can tell how tense you are from all that has happened to you recently.” She knelt down next to the couch massaging Oooolalavavavhumma’s temples. “Now you just close your eyes and relax and let me take away your tension.” She whispered in Oooolalavavavhumma’s ear to “slow your breathing and relax. I’m going to make you purr like a Persian pussycat.”
Oooolalavavavhumma slowed her breathing. She felt Smilfme’s fingers working to release her tension. “I’ll be right back” she heard the Senator said. “Just lay there and don’t move.”
The Senator stood up and went to the étagère. She grabbed the drinks slinking back to her visitor. “Here Vavahumma” she offered. “May I call you that?” Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown nodded her head yes. The Senator lightly giggled. “Va Va VHUMM-AH!” She said. “I love how your name just rolls off of my tongue!”
The Senator pressed the crystal to Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown’s lips. “Here” she softly said. “Drink this and you’ll feel a whole lot better!”
The vodka aroma filled Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown’s big beak. Her body started rising up knocking some liquid onto her red sateen top. “Oh dear no!” Oooolalavavavhumma said. “I couldn’t drink anything alcoholic. I’m, well, I’m pregnant.”
Senator Smarmy laughed. She unbuttoned the blouse pulling the ruffles into her hand. She began using her own silken blouse to blot up the spill. “Oh my dear! You are still sooooooo young, aren’t you? I’ve been following the news and I know all about women in your position! You must trust me! As a real mother myself you know I wouldn’t do anything to harm you! You need to trust me, I mean, remember, I’m one of the one’s who voted for Big O Care and believe you me I know a thing or two about Big O care! This isn’t like you’re joining Secretary Clittoff going to Vegas or Dubai or Germany on State business; I mean, on a drinking binge! Heck this is less dangerous than dodging bullets on the Bosnia tarmac! One little drinky-poo isn’t going to hurt you one little bit and you will feel soooooooooo much better for it!”
“But isn’t this vodka?” Oooolalavavavhumma asked. “Isn’t that bad for a woman in my condition?”
“Don’t think of it as such” Smilfme counseled. Think of it as Tiger Blood taken straight from Charlie Sheen” Senator Smilfme said. “Don’t think negative, now. Just one drink of this and you’ll be Winning!”
Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown knew that a United States Senator would never lie to her. Those in power are always correct and always know best. She knew from working for Secretary Clittoff that that those in power never abuse that power. Senator Smilfme Smarmy won’t abuse ME! she thought. Oooolalavavavhumma drank the concoction. The beverage went down sooooooooooo smooth.
Senator Smilfme Smarmy joined PumaTown by also enjoying libation. Nothing like some Afternoon Delight! The Senator thought. This sure beats reading legislation or giving speeches…or meeting a bunch of Special Olympics winners! I’m Winning!
PumaTown felt the alcohol and narcotic disseminate from her stomach to her bloodstream. Her circulatory system transported the substances throughout her body. The sensation came creeper. Creeping into her body came warmth and warmth. A wonderfully light headed relaxation sensation hit her brain like a sledge hammer hitting her head only sans the pain or physical damage. PumaTown loved the reality.
PumaTown’s body felt hot. Her skin began to ooze out light sweat; just enough to oil her skin. Her body squirmed on the sofa; she could not lay still. The feeling felt glorious. Oooolalavavavhumma smiled a happy smile.
Senator Smarmy said “See? Isn’t that so much better? You were soooooooooooo stressed out when you came to my office and now you are all smiles!” Senator Smarmy ran her finger across the bright red thick lips of Oooolalavavavhumma tapping on her huge shiny white teeth. “You have such a wonderful smile, too! Such nice big lips like rose petals. Remember! Spread your lips and the world smiles with you!”
Oooolalavavavhumma PumaTown could tell that Senator Smilfme Smarmy was good friend. Coming here was a great idea.
Smilfme put her palms on Oooolalavavavhumma. “Oooo Oooolala! You are roasting! You feel like a car headlights whose high beams have been turned on. Some air will help cool you down!” The Senator used her hands to make a fanning motion.
The cool air felt good for Oooolala. Smilfme knows what she is doing! PumaTown thought.
Eventually the Senator told Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown “When handling a crisis the thing you need to do is to get off your back. You need to roll over with the flow. Let me show you what I mean by that.”
Smilfme assisted Oooolalavavavhumma with half floating half turning so that Oooolalavavavhumma lay on her stomach. Along the way Smilfme loosened her clothing up so that she could breath. Her vial of oil popped open onto Oooolalavavavhumma’s shoulders to be spread out over and rubbed into her warm organ. “Now” Senator Smarmy spoke “Let’s talk about this big problem of yours.”
The Senator extended an arm towards the table. Her fingers touched a remote button turning on the TV. An image appeared on screen that Oooolalavavavhumma recognized.
Oooolalavavavhumma’s body reflexively tensed up. Smilfme pressed her head to Oooolalavavavhumma’s ear pushing her down. “Now, now!” The Senator softly chided. “We are here to get that tension out of you! You need to relax and let things flow naturally.”
Oooolalavavavhumma put her head back down on the plush pillows. She let Smilfme counsel her. “There, now” Smilfme said. “That is much better. Now, you may think that is a big problem facing you but to me that doesn’t seem that large an issue.’ Smilfme changed the picture on the 4D TV. “Now, my dear, there is a child with a BIG problem!” she told Oooolalavavavhumma.
“Oh my goodness!” Oooolalavavavhumma answered. “I see what you mean! My problem is nothing compared that!”
“Exactly!” Smilfme exclaimed. “You see sometimes things that affect you personally just seem sooooooo big that you think you just can’t get a handle around it. But, in the big scheme of things, someone else always has a problem that is larger than you ever imagined! That’s why teamwork is so important. Some problems are so large they require all hands on deck!” Oooolalavavavhumma looked up into Senator Smarmy’s eyes. “See?” Smilfme asked her as the image changed “You aren’t the first girl to face such issues.”
“Is that Senator Marilyn?” Oooolalavavavhumma asked. “I can’t believe that she crossed the aisle to help!”
“Don’t think of it as crossing the aisle” Smilfme advised. “Think of it like this.” She changed the picture. “Think of it as straddling the fence post. See how, in this case, although it might not seem possible that it could happen, that problem just disappears!”
Oooolalavavavhumma thought about it. She could now feel the pressure that had been building up inside of her and that maybe all she needed was a little pressure valve to blow some steam. Her mind felt split in confusion. “But there is all the lying going on. We’ve been lying to the public! We’ve been lying asking others to lie for us to the public about people committing Federal crimes. And, since more than one person is involved in lying, that constitutes a cover up. That makes the whole situation a conspiracy! It’s just not right to falsely accuse people of crimes punishable by years in the penitentiary and also to engage in conspiracy to cover up the whole thing.”
Smilfme gave Oooolalavavavhumma an open handed slap to her cheek. “STOP THAT!” she angrily told PumaTown. “OOOOHHHH!” she uttered in indignation. “You’re in POLITICS!” Smarmy spewed. “That puts you above the law and above all else above a sense or right and wrong! You can’t skirt the issue and for you being a bad (SMACK) bad (SMACK) bad (SMACK) bad (SMACK) bad (SMACK) bad girl I’m going to take you on my knee and give you a real hard spanking!”
“Oh no!” Oooolalavavavhumma cried. Each stinging blow elicited an OW! from Oooolalavavavhumma. She tried wriggling out of the situation but the power narcotic filled her being. She only managed to expose her hidden assent to solving her problem.
Smilfme placed Oooolalavavavhumma firmly on her knee. “Honey” Smilfme sternly told her “You need this a lot more than I do! This is for your own good!” Then she started to lay bare bottom the matter.
SMACK! “Who sent you here to see me for help?” Smilfme angrily asked.
“Secretary Clittoff” PumaTown answered.
SMACK! SMACK! “I’m the Senator here! I’m not the public or your constituents!” Smilfe barked. “Now, who sent you here to see me for help?” Smilfme asked.
“Secretary Clittoff” PumaTown cried.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! “You are a naughty lying little girl!” Smilfme stated with anger. “You like being spanked, don’t you?” SMACK! SMACK! “Who sent you to see me?”
PumaTown’s body kept rubbing against Senator Smarmy’s knee with each blow. Like the news media covering her big problem Oooolalavavavhumma found the situation sensational. She finally came clean with the truth. “Secretary Clittoff’s husband! He sent me to see you! He said you would be glad to help us!”
“There, see?” Smilfme told her. “That didn’t feel too be bad to say! Of course, Secretary Clittoff’s husband sent you to see me!” Smilfme brought up a new 4D image for Oooolalavavavhumma to see. “As you know from working for Secretary Clittoff here is a man who has needed help handling some big problems!”
“But I thought all Mr. Clittoff’s problems washed away?” Oooolalavavavhumma ask stated. “I haven’t heard anything about any issues in the papers or the internet, and while Secretary Clittoff and I have been travelling she has never said anything.”
“Oh you silly Oooolala!” Senator Smarmy chided. “Don’t believe everything you don’t read on the internet! Besides, why do you think she got the job as Secretary? With the Secretary out of the way the Willie can play!”
Oooolalavavavhumma looked up into Senator Smarmy’s eyes. She thought about it as she returned her head forward listening as Senator Smarmy provided sage knowledge. “Child” she heard “Problems all exist in the mind. If your attitude is one of full participation in the marriage then there is no problem at all. It’s something else altogether!”
PumaTown lay there feeling the stinging rebuke she had received. Oooolalavavavhumma now understood that she deserved everything she was experiencing. She started imagining things she still needed to learn. “Senator Smarmy…”
“Smilfme here!” Senator Smarmy barked. “When you are in my office call me Smilfme!”
“Smilfme” Oooolalavavavhumma “You are so smart! Can you teach me to act like you do?”
“It’ll take some training and some positive reinforcement” Smilfme told her. “But I’m sure you possess all the tools to be a Smilfme too!”
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
Smilfme gave Oooolalavavavhumma positive reinforcement saying “But here is Lesson #1. Don’t EVER let me hear you EVER worrying about RIGHT, WRONG and LEGAL again! Always remember it is always about POWER! It’s about retaining POWER! It’s about enforcing POWER! Little people NEED you in POWER! The party needs you in POWER!”
Oooolalavavavhumma could feel her needs being undressed by the guiding hand of Senator Smarmy. Understanding filled her mind. She could feel that there is no difference between Power and Abuse of Power; Power is all good! All she ever really needed was Smilfme to pressing the right PumaTown button for the fireworks to start going off in her mind.
Smilfme’s counseling continued. “You see” Smilfme impressed on Oooolalavavavhumma “there is a reason that Secretary Clittoff is always overseas. The Secretary never learned to join in and enjoy the fun of having the world in the palm of your hand. In all the years that the two of you have travelled together did the Secretary ever really bring you in to help her with her big problems? The Secretary spent a lot of money on her Presidential campaign but has she really ever put out fires? She hasn’t, has she.”
Smilfme continued to explore the issue further. “The trick to handling big problems like you face is to relax and get personally involved. The more people covered in the issue the merrier! If you have the right attitude you’ll find you really develop a taste for things like this. I guarantee you that you’ll be much happier in the end. Now isn’t this much better advice than Secretary Clittoff’s is putting out for you?”
The Senator parted her lips saying “Oh Humma! May I call you Humma?” Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown nodded her head YES!!!. “Humma. Hummmma. Hummmmmma. Hummmmmmmmmmma. Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmma!”
Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown now saw the light. The solution to her problems exploded like fireworks exploding in front of her eyes. No problem was too big for her now that she couldn’t lick it!
Senator Smilfme Smarmy and Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown stretched out in the stretch limousine. “Excuse me a sec” Senator Smarmy said. The Senator dialed Aidone. “Aidone, my dear…”
Aidone finished the Senator’s sentence. “I know…a new sofa is needed in your office. The old one is stained. I’ve got a new whiter than white settee on the way and it should be installed today. The old one will be properly disposed of. Is new glassware needed or a new glass table top?”
Smilfme laughed looking at her travelling companion. “No, not this time!” she said. Smilfme winked at PumaTown. “We’ve still got some work to do! There are more lessons to go!”
Senator Smilfme Smarmy felt so proud of Aidone. “Aidone” she said “I don’t know what I would do without you!”
Aidone sighed to herself. Working for Senator Smilfme Smarmy is the most wonderful job anyone can have! she thought. The country is so lucky to have her as a national treasure!
Senator Smilfme Smarmy and Oooolalavavavhumma la PumaTown exchanged hugs and smiles taking pictures and videos of themselves hugging and smiling on their way to get a late lunch. Their limo started off taking them on their way to a Boy Scout meeting for a wiener roast. Wall Street Journal Editorial: “How We’re Meeting the Job Challenge”
Wall Street Journal Editorial: “How We’re Meeting the Job Challenge”
On June 13 the President’s Jobs and Competitiveness Council (PJCC) published in the Wall Street Journal an editorial that is an interim report on the work of the council established on January 21, 2011. This editorial provides all the evidence an Extraterrestrial visiting Earth would need to prove that this council and those who support it are completely clueless suckers of taxpayer money. The Executive Order establishing the Council states the following: “There is hereby established within the Department of the Treasury the President's Council on Jobs and Competitiveness (PCJC)” So, this council tasked with bringing American Economic job growth back can’t even get their name correct in their editorial. It’s pretty hard to convince people that one is serious about knowing how to be competitive when one doesn’t know whether one is the PJCC or the PCJC! The editorial is broken into segments of areas determined to need work to bring back America’s Competitiveness: • Train Workers For Today’s open jobs Wow! In five months time this committee came up with some brilliant steps needed to help America economically. Why, back in January not a single person in America could have stated these tasks would help America economically! Well, maybe anyone in America but those associated with the current Executive Branch…which is very sad for America. The editorial proceeds to state that “to truly bend the curve over the longer term, we need a more strategic view.” WOW! I am so glad the oligarchy informed of us this! This statement is followed with two paragraphs that sound like a political speech: Long on noble notions and devoid of details. But, of course, the article states that the details will be arriving in 90 days. Channel your inner Carnac and you know exactly what will arrive in 90 days. What will appear in 90 days will be a series of proposed measures that will equal Stimulus II and will tie into a 2012 election campaign mantra. That’s a better and more accurate forecast of the future than the President’s Council of Silicone Implants will forecast. Unfortunately, while silicone implants in women are fake boobs the people on this council are real boobs.
• Streamline Permitting (meaning cutting Red Tape)
• Boost Jobs in Travel And Tourism
• Facilitate Small Business Loans
• Put Construction Workers Back To Work
On June 13 the President’s Jobs and Competitiveness Council (PJCC) published in the Wall Street Journal an editorial that is an interim report on the work of the council established on January 21, 2011. This editorial provides all the evidence an Extraterrestrial visiting Earth would need to prove that this council and those who support it are completely clueless suckers of taxpayer money.
The Executive Order establishing the Council states the following:
“There is hereby established within the Department of the Treasury the President's Council on Jobs and Competitiveness (PCJC)”
So, this council tasked with bringing American Economic job growth back can’t even get their name correct in their editorial. It’s pretty hard to convince people that one is serious about knowing how to be competitive when one doesn’t know whether one is the PJCC or the PCJC!
The editorial is broken into segments of areas determined to need work to bring back America’s Competitiveness:
• Train Workers For Today’s open jobs
Wow! In five months time this committee came up with some brilliant steps needed to help America economically. Why, back in January not a single person in America could have stated these tasks would help America economically! Well, maybe anyone in America but those associated with the current Executive Branch…which is very sad for America.
The editorial proceeds to state that “to truly bend the curve over the longer term, we need a more strategic view.” WOW! I am so glad the oligarchy informed of us this!
This statement is followed with two paragraphs that sound like a political speech: Long on noble notions and devoid of details. But, of course, the article states that the details will be arriving in 90 days.
Channel your inner Carnac and you know exactly what will arrive in 90 days. What will appear in 90 days will be a series of proposed measures that will equal Stimulus II and will tie into a 2012 election campaign mantra.
That’s a better and more accurate forecast of the future than the President’s Council of Silicone Implants will forecast. Unfortunately, while silicone implants in women are fake boobs the people on this council are real boobs.
Attack Dog Weiner
In the United States the incident known as WeinerGate has taken hold of parts of American society. Winergate epitomizes the theme of choice as espoused in The Matrix movies.
Anthony Weiner is an elected member of the United States House of Representatives. He has been married to Huma Abedin for one year. Huma Abedin has been Hillary Clinton’s personal aid for fifteen years and the President Clinton sermonized at the Weiner\Abedin wedding.
Anthony Weiner has also been an “Attack dog” for the Obama Administration. Mr. Weiner has viciously gone after any critic of Obama Administration policies or legislation including the infamous Obamacare.
Until “outed” publicly in the last month Mr. Weiner has also been having internet sex with women. Mr. Weiner chose to do this action just as he has chosen to viciously attack people who disagree with him and his political party on any issues.
Mr. Weiner also chose to take pictures of his body in various forms of undress and sexual arousal and to send these photos about on the internet. Perhaps Mr. Weiner started to do engage in these activities only in the last three years but that is a wonderful aspect of choice: You can choose to believe whether Weiner just recently started engaging in this behavior.
It’s like the old song lyric Were you born an a**hole, or did you practice your whole life? One can suspect Anthony Weiner has been practicing his whole life.
Anthony Weiner also made a choice to publicly engage in knowingly making false criminal accusations of Federal Crimes. Anthony Weiner also made a choice to engage in getting others to abet in leveling the charges thereby willfully engaging in Conspiracy.
Because Attack Dog Weiner has been a friend of the Administration the political party is loathe to actual do anything about Mr. Weiner’s behavior. Attack Dogs are valuable for they will say anything at anytime to falsely besmirch anyone. Right and Wrong don’t matter; only the Power matters.
This desire for Power makes the Conspiracy of Corruption spread through America and the American government like the Agent Smith virus spread through The Matrix. It’s all about Choice which is what the point of this essay is: Each one of us has the Power to choose whether we choose Right or Wrong in what we say and what we do. This choice permeates society.
This is also why it is chosen to leak to the press that Huma Abedin is pregnant. Baby parading is a choice to generate sympathy to retain power.
The funniest item about WeinerGate is this: Concern is expressed that Weiner and his wife and baby will be in financial trouble if Weiner resigns from Congress because he would be unemployable due to having no job. So, the argument is that this man is qualified to be a United States Congressman and to vehemently support current legislation such as Obamacare and Stimulus and TARP…but he is not qualified for a “day job.”