Secret Agent Predator
Starring in
The Crack Agent!
Arrggghh and Hip Pop spun the globe wistfully looking for a vacation destination that didn’t require repressive governmental oppression to get to. None could be found. “It’s like bend over and crack open to go ANYWHERE for those who aren’t mega-millionaires” Hip Pop sighed.
Pipe odor wafted into the room and into Arrggghh’s nasal passages. “Speaking of cracking something open” he said “That smell sure is making my head crack open!”
Hip Pop caught the whiff. “Wow!” she exclaimed. “I suddenly feel like I am a Strip Walker!” She stood up rapidly then placed her hand on the globe steadying her body from the second hand smoke head rush. “Whoo! I think I will go crack open a window a bit!”
She turned walking towards the panes of glass suddenly finding her shoulders in the grasp of a beard stubble matted hair male with a glass pipe in his mouth and glassy eyes in his head. The hands on her arms rubbed up and down and she felt the pipe against her body. She pushed the male away exclaiming “Excuse ME! Just who do you think you are?”
“I’m Secret Agent Predator” the man maundered. “I’m looking for my laptop. I…uh…I seem to have left it somewhere.”
“Well I am NOT a laptop!” Hip Pop angrily retorted. “Nor am I a lap dancer. So you can just pipe your way on out of here! Aren’t people out there looking for where you vanished to anyway?”
“Maybe it is in a secret compartment in the globe” Secret Agent Predator muttered. He extended his arm pushing Hip Pop back into the high back chair she had stood up from as he brushed by on the way to the globe. He spun the globe around feeling the surface mumbling “there must be a secret a latch here somewhere.” He moved his head closer to the globe while his spinning slowed until it came to a halt with his body slouched over it. Secret Agent Predator fell asleep.
Hip Pop and Arrggghh looked at each other with a combination of bemusement and irritation. “Don’t say it” Hip Pop said to Arrggghh.
“Say what?” Arrggghh asked. He pointed to the pipe dangling from Secret Agent Predator’s mouth. “Did you think I was going to crack a joke?”
Hip Pop groaned. Secret Agent Predator moaned while rubbing the globe as if the world was all his for the taking. Suddenly he pushed up from the globe spinning it around until he stopped it with a finger pointing at a country saying “There! Ukraine! Did I ever tell you the time I saved a planeload of underage Chinese girls from a life of sexual slavery?”
Arrggghh and Hip Pop looked at each other with a look of utter surprise before looking back at Secret Agent Predator. “HUH??!!” They exclaimed.
“I had just left Russia and being the crack pilot that I am I was flying to Ukraine with a load of laundry that the wife of the Mayor of Moscow had given me to be laundered. It was private dirty laundry so I had it hidden in the fuselage of my Lineage jet. My deep cover was in danger of being blown and I suspected I was being hunted. It seemed like there were forty thieves after me with trumped up charges. I decided to drop in on my girlfriend Burry Robinson in the Ukraine. That turned out to be a bad move.”
“A bad move?” Arrggghh asked. “Why was that a bad move?”
“It was a bad move because unknown to me her mother Jacqueline was a double sheepshank spy” Secret Agent Predator replied. “I flew my private jet to Ukraine to meet Burry but who should greet me at the hotel but Burry’s ma. I asked her where her husband was and she told me to get her purse for her. I went and got her purse but she had disappeared. Curious I searched the house only to find Burry’s ma in Burry’s bedroom. She closed and locked the door behind me. She had taken her clothes off and I knew then that the situation had graduated to another level.”
Secret Agent Predator fumbled in his jacket pocket for a tobacco tin and a lighter. He filled his pipe and smoked saying “I could tell that my world was about to be rocked. She had a drink in her hand. She moved forward asking Do I make you nervous? She took her purse from my hand and gave me the drink. Opening her purse she pulled out millions of dollars and threw it on the bed. Then she lay down on the money bed saying Anytime you want see me like this.” Secret Agent Predator fired up his pipe and then pointed at the globe seeming looking for the Greek island of Nymphos.
“Oh good lord!” Hip Pop exclaimed. “Must you do that?”
Secret Agent Predator rambled on. “The only thing I could do was to throw down my drink. It was then everything became fuzzy. I realized that I had just guzzled a cosbypolitan given to me by the infamous Jackie Ma…aka…Chinese agent Ali Baba. Then everything went black.”
“Good Heavens Secret Agent” Arrggghh incredulously stated. “Whatever did you do?”
“When I awoke” Secret Agent Predator said “I felt as if I had gone around the world forty different times. I was in the room of Burry’s ma surrounded by forty nubile Chinese girls. They had wiped my hard drive clean and now they needed escorting out of the country. We added their dirty laundry into the plane and set forth for Saint Jeff’s island in the Virgin Islands. There they were confidentially debriefed.”
“But what about the dirty laundry?” Hip Pop asked. “It must have had quite a reek at that point.”
No reply came. Arrggghh and Hip Pop rubbed their eyes in amazement. Secret Agent Predator had vanished as if a crack in the earth had suddenly swallowed him.
They looked at each other. “Quite a reek” Arrggghh said. “Quite.”
The original Secret Agent Predator.